Ah breastfeeding. The most natural thing in the world. The way children have been nourished since Eve. The most difficult 5 weeks of my life.
How was I not prepared for this? I read every book on childbirth, we delivered our own kid for goodness sake! I was so ready to experience contractions and then pushing and then welcoming our little one into the world. I pictured him being placed on my chest and then naturally finding the breast and peacefully enjoying his first meal. Oh how I wish I could have been prepared for what came next..
Our little man had a tongue-tie that while caught pretty quickly, still did damage early on. After a sleepless and painful first night, poor Pax had lost 8 ounces and my nipples were toast. I powered through and was able to exclusively breastfeed him for a week and a half but at the cost of my sanity and alas, my sad tatas. I was anxious every time he needed to eat- which was every two hours. I remember mentioning to my mom that I would have been having so much fun with my sweet baby if only I wasn’t breastfeeding. I even ended up driving alone on the highway in a construction zone (thanks GPS) and thought, “I’m okay, at least I’m not breastfeeding right now.” Oh, how I wanted to love it. I wanted to feel this love and bond with my baby through what I had thought was supposed to be such a natural process, but all I felt was anxiety and pain. I desired to feed my baby and had the goods to do so, it was just too much for my new mom brain/body to handle.
After crying and feeling like an absolute mom failure (#momfail), I decided to pump for a couple of days and give him a bottle while my nipples healed. What a relief I felt when he was hungry and I didn’t have to be in pain to feed him! I could sit with him and enjoy his sounds and watch him fall into a milk coma comfortably and he was still getting the good stuff- mama’s milk. It felt like the perfect, albeit temporary solution. After a couple of days, I tried him back at the breast. He went back on but would not get full from the boob. After an hour of feeding (trying to get a good latch, re-latching as he would come off, etc.) he would be hungry ten minutes later. I was so frustrated! I was trying so hard but it wasn’t working! On top of that he had a bad latch consistently so my poor nipples were being put through the wringer again! What could I do?
And so, I have become an exclusive pumper. I try him on the boob every once in a while but he gets mad and wants the bottle and who wouldn’t? More food eaten much easier, yes please!
Nipple confusion is real, folks.
While this is not how I pictured feeding my baby, I have come to terms with it. Sometimes the mom guilt will creep in and I wonder if he even feels bonded with me as his mom since anyone can feed him now. But in all truth, pumping and giving him the bottle in that second week was what I needed to do to be a good mom and while I will never be perfect, I know that pumping and giving him breast milk is me trying my best to be a loving mama to my sweet baby now.
To all my friends having babies and wanting to breastfeed:
– Arm yourself with knowledge beforehand.
– Be prepared for the challenge.
– Be prepared for the pain.
– Use a lactation consultant. My advice would be to have one at your side immediately after delivery to assure that you get a good latch and don’t have any tongue or lip-ties early on.
– Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your baby will eat somehow. If you love your baby and desire to take care of them, that is really what counts.
As for me, I am still planning to try Pax on the boob every once in a while to see if he will go back to it. We will see what happens but regardless, it is still my goal to give him breast milk for at least a year. Even though the issue of feeding has been difficult, God has blessed us with an increasingly plump and happy baby! And that’s all I could really ask for anyway.
Welcome to Our World 